I have realized how important a network is. I’m tired of b..

I have realized how important a network is. I’m tired of being a lone wolf 🐺. I think one of my biggest weaknesses is keeping a safe distance from 99.99999% of people. I have realized that had always made the girl I’m dating my be all. That’s not good for her. Nor for me. Balance is key in life. This is why I have reached out to a lot of old good friends and being the first to be vulnerable and say I’m struggling a little bit. I have all of this pure desire to share my gifts with the world, but I battle the HOW. Deep down I have always wanted to be a high school teacher, but having an OnlyFans/doing porn I would never qualify. Same thing with law enforcement; my porn background keeps me from a lot of ways of serving my community. Politics would feel extraordinary. So would ministry work because I study philosophy and spirituality every day. But the Christian church would not accept a porn star as a Minister. The thing is, I don’t want to surrender my sexuality — because as adults — our sexuality is imperative to life. The single greatest SACRED act is SEX — because it is the only way to bring LIFE into this world. But thousands of years of dogma and propaganda has brainwashed us into hiding our sexual energies. I AM NOT DESCRIBING PROMISCUITY! I don’t advocate that AT ALL. When I talk about “sexual liberation,” I am talking about the wildness and chaos that should be expressed in the bedroom with your ONE partner. I don’t advocate being a whore; but I do advocate for treating you like a whore in the bedroom. There is a massive difference. Just like I am a virtuous and noble man, there is a darkness in me that MUST be contained in ordinary life. But they darkness loves to come out and play in all of us, unless we have shut off the valve entirely, and re-wired our brains to the point to complete repression. Women love to be dominated; men love to dominate. (Or feminine energy loves to be submissive; masculine energy loved to be dominate). This can ebb and flow, of course. I guess maybe I’m supposed to be the man to showcase complete nobility and sexual prowess without shame. It’s like the great warriors of past who were great philosophical thinkers and studiers of life, but they were just as great with the sword. I struggle with knowing how I can give my gifts to the world. We are both light and dark. So is life. Death and destruction has to happen for new life to grow — for our bodies to grow in strength, we must endure pain. A denier in this yin-yang polarity doesn’t see that life REQUIRES chaos and wildness. We cannot ignore our wildness. We cannot docile it down. We MUST integrate it. Learn to use it. Society will beat the wildness out of men and call all of it “toxic.” They will not show you how to cultivate it, to make it a power in you—they’ll just beat it out of you through psyops. I guess this is my path. It’s not glorious. I am rejected by my society. Ostracized. By design. I don’t just want to be a “holy & righteous” man. I want to be BOTH the saint and the warrior. I will use the sword to protect my family; I will not be passive. But I will always regret using it and there always be a pain in my heart for having to do so. 💔